i have drawn to a conclusion. from now til the final exam, i vow never to go onto msn. not even once. and none of you should either. this is the culmination of our 14 years of schooling.

i'm going to leave my laptop at school with the co-ordinators. i'm going to tell them not to let me, not even if i make up some excuse, take back my laptop. and to hell if i'm going to use my pc for any reason other than research. it's so freaking slow. but yes.

goodbye, au revoir, ta-ta, sayonara, adieu, arrivederci, auf weidersehen, tzai-jien.

at least for the next nine or so days. ten including methods sac on the thursday after. fuck.

"dont make me run! i'm full of chocolate!"

i'm tired. i'm chewing on a kid size snickers and snakes to keep myself alert.
other than that. i'm feeling rather good. it's good to tell you guys that i've gotten a 97% avg on my chem prac exams, so now you cant bag me anymore (i'm talking to you steph). now onto physics. i hate gravity. both in life, and in the physics course.

blasted formal. i'm so whipped.

sorry...i havent been in the best blogging mood in the past few days. im sure the news has spread. so yeah. i probably wont be back for a while, since i got exam prep, but yeah. i might drop in a couple of times over the course of the upcoming week.

wish you all luck on your midyears! (if any)

pen and paper. spoon and ice cream.

i'm painstakingly trying to do some chemsitry revision. all to no avail. i'm stuck. even my mac-esque brain with its superior multitasking capabilities cant tackle this load.

a spoon in one hand, and a small bucket of ice cream in the other. holding the spoon like a white kid holding chopsticks, im stabbing at the icy crust that has formed over the month that the ice cream has sat in the freezer. yes. i am in one of those moods. no, not in a crying, while eating mood. just flustered, while eating. i shouldn't be feeling like this you say? well, fuck you too.

i'll bounce back. like footbag dropping to the floor.

I'M NOT LISTENING......(with index fingers lodged in ear canals)"lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala"

I think i've gone through every MSN emoticon today.

yes, even the nerd smiley and the sick smiley.
ok, everything except the party smiley.

this one is actually cool. cool-looking that is.

StarFlyer

crying while eating

you've heard of people eating to quell their depression, well here's a link to a site with people eating while crying.

Crying, While Eating

PS: i feel like the last guy.

the difference between chemistry and physics

the difference between chemistry and physics is...

in chemistry you can blow up the laboratory.

IN PHYSICS YOU CAN BLOW UP THE WORLD.

oh yeah...i forgot to give you this before:

Internet vs. Real Life

i think god is playing around with me. he threw me down on the ground, picked me back up, and allowed me to walk away, only to stick his foot out in front of me and make me trip and fall onto the ground again.

on my lunch break...

i've set up my counter, and i'm getting way too many visits...i hope people aren't stalking me because of this...

i'm having my lunch break of about 2 hours right now. i've already finished lunch. right now, im just trying setup my ipod and headphones so it symbolises i heart ipod. like the headphones will be the dot above the i, then the cord will come down, and turn to the right, and form a love heart, the join into the ipod sitting next to it. i. heart. ipod. cool eh?, but first, i need to straighten out my cord.ive got it bulldog clipped across a bookshelf tier. dont worry, ive clipped onto the wire, its not going to break...

("grieg - morning (from peer gynt suite)" playing in the background)

ahhh....good morning.i love monday mornings.

wow.the OC has finished with a bang. i can't believe it. dont worry, i'm going to give a spoiler.

well. i had a rather eventful day. its great that none of Them are mad at me. i don't know. for some reason i don't believe Them. how can They not hate me, or at least me somewhat pissed off at me?
They had the same reaction.
"oh. are you ok?"
Am I ok? What are you thinking? Shouldn't you be pissed off?
I don't know. I portended something worse than sympathy. much worse. It just doesn't feel right. I mean, its not like i want them to be mad at me. not at all. but yeah. i've been saying that a lot lately. i don't know. there are some things that i cannot linguistically articulate.

if they say they aren't mad, then i will believe they aren't mad.

PS: i can't wait to see the last ep of OC 2.

much to learn, you still have - yoda.

star wars

sucked.

net addict

I am 55% Internet Addict.

I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology, but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer!

Take the
Internet Addict Test
@ FualiDotCom

metrosexuality: episode 6

I am 83% Metrosexual.

Well, aren’t I fancy? Mr. Fancy Pants! People think I am very stylish… and gay. They may be right on both counts. But don’t mind them, the ladies love me, and so do I!

Take the
Metrosexual Test
@ FualiDotCom

parents are home. i told them about everything. they aren't too pleased. not really the welcome home present a parent would normally expect.
study isn't going very well either. even though i'm basically done for study of electronics, ive still gotta do motion, which will take a while. i hate writing x=ut+0.5at^2 all the time. chem. well, i get it all, now i just gotta do the questions. eeek. looks like a long two and a half weeks for me.
i hate it how this blog is assisting people in knowing whether im down,angry,stressed, etc. or not. sure. i like it when you guys care and talk to me and sympathise with me and everything, but i just hate the fact that you (apart from a few of you) wouldn't have known who i was feeling had i not written that post.
i hate it how we all, unconsciously, treat our friends as some sort of possession. to reassure you guys, none of your are furniture to me. remember that. but i hate it how friends are an object. like friends somehow have a finite amount of friendship which they can share and provide. i think this is the main reason why we all have qualms about introducing friends to people. we are scared that if we share a friend with another person, that they, to us, will become less of a friend, because they have to share some of it with the new friend. i know this, because i have been the other friend. the new friend. i hope he knows i apologise for what i've done. well, now he does.
im sitting here, sipping on cranberry juice (yes, i finally got some) thinking about all my problems...i feel down. if you didn't know already, don't talk to me. it will simply be an obligation. i dont want an obligated response.

i hate it that i recommend, without hesitation, my music, to everybody. i have converted many a person to alternative music. now. it's cool. So cool, its uncool. Kent is becoming uncool now. And so is Jimmy Eat World. They are so not cool now. Hence, because of this, i shall vow never to recommend, nor pass on, my music. to anyone. not even my ipod. i need music. but i dont need other people to be listening to my music. MY music.

i feel no better today than how i felt yesterday. i still feel guilty and down. don't try and comfort me people. it's no use.
i don't know. i feel like i'm stuck in a hole, and the only way to get out of is to dig my way down lower and lower till i pop out on the other side of the world. i need to delve into the depths of my conscience and reorder everything. it's almost as bad as trying to reorganise my wardrobe. god that was hard.
i hate it how i give people a copy, an image, of me and my life, and they simply crush it in their hands in front of me. or throw it on the pavement for the guy walking behind them to pick up and throw into the bin. although my life is complicated. it's worth living. i don't know. some people understand me. some don't. but if you're going to simply ignore my presence in this small world, then maybe you shouldn't even be in my life at all.
i feel like i'm alien to the world. like i don't belong. exiled from the greater society. that no, im not unique, im not an individual, but i am different. a blemish. a stigma. like a mosquito bite you urge to scratch and itch off. like nobody can relate to the torments, the triumphs, the quirks that are me. as though what i am going through isn't normal. i feel a need to conform. conformity. an orthodox ,of balanced negative and positive connotations, simultaneously acting in dynamic equilibrium. but i myself feel not a need to conform. but to be myself. the individual. the different. the alien. thus, the cycle starts again.
finding the inner me. what a journey. i have no map, no compass. no reference. i might be running around in circles for all i know. but what if i dig through the hole. find the inner me. and hate him? im in a hole. a bigger hole.

not only has the proverbial planet of conformity spun a complete revolution. a complete cycle. on its axis. but now conformity has ran its celestial orbit.

sunday

after the poker, we jumped upstairs to the rooms, as we were crashing overnight. i watched one episode of futurama, after which my eyes were too tired to stay open. i went to bed.
i woke up the next morning, watched some downloaded basketball highlites, music videos, etc. and went to the city to meet up with my parents.
it was my grandfather's birthday. we went to a restaurant in chinatown to celebrate with some distant relatives. his birthday, and all future birthday's, must be celebrated with relatives around him, as every one may be his last. touchwood.
after the lunch, we left for home, as i parted from my family to go to academic and general and get the heinemann physics book.
i finished all of the elec+photo questions in the physics checkpoints. (ed: and today i finished the motion basics Qs) it was 5:00 now. Mum and Dad had left for Sydney on a business trip, and my sister was staying over at a friend's place, because they had thought that i was going to accompany steph to the party. i actually wasn't quite sure.
My mum and i talked (ed: yes, we did). i asked her whether she was really fine with me going to parties three weeks before my exams. she replied saying that she had qualms, but brushed them away, because she didn't know what i was going through. she went on to say that this year is my most important year, and that i would be the only one to know whether i was leading a balanced lifestyle. she ended saying that if she had serious doubts that she would crack down. hard.
in the end, i decided that i would go. i needed a break. from work. from the troubles of life.
i met up with steph at windsor station. eek. the trouble had already begun.
"omg! you look so cool!"
eek.
---------------
"HI STEPH! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN SO LONG!"
steph's "friend" had just opened the door. the reason why they hadn't seen each other for a while was because steph didn't like her. she was too crazy. i walked into the house. it was huge. both the house and the crowd. this certainly wasn't a conclave. everybody, just like steph did, brought their own friends along. even steph was shocked by the number of people at the party. we walked around the crowds, and we very quickly found out that this wasn't the party that we had been accustomed to. there was much more alcohol, much more people, and much more...eccentricity. and most of the bottles weren't even open yet. i didn't want to drink. i just wanted to talk.
i needed to go to the toilet. remembering back from my rebellious days of partying, i looked under the door between the bathroom door and the floor. i saw through the narrow aperture a set of legs. no, two. nup, i guess i'd have to hold it in until i got upstairs. luckily, there was a separate toilet closet upstairs. unoccupied.
i talked to some people who seemed "normal" for a while. then i went back to talking with steph and her friends. the real ones. i gradually found that i was slurring, i didn't remember much from here on in. i was intoxicated.
snippets of the party after my fall into a drunken stupor have come back to me. playing "pass the parcel" with the alcohol. and no, it wasn't with shot glasses or any material liquid carrying flask. or the hands. but getting warmer. being pulled out of the party by steph. eek. the ride home with steph and her sister.
i woke up this morning, with steph pulling my eyelids. i guess that's why i woke up. it was only 6:00.i was at her house. she told me that i was very drunk, and that i my drinks much earlier that night had been spiked. i hate women. i asked her to describe in extreme detail what i did that night. she told me i had gotten drunk, played "pass the parcel", and that she saved me from the game, and took me back to her place, just to make sure i was ok. i thanked her for it. i sat up, and was about to give her a hug, but it was as though a huge chemical reaction had just ignited in my stomach. i threw up, into the bucket that steph had placed at the beside table in case i really did vomit. however, she was not so prepared. she is one of the those people who if they see people barfing, they will do the same. she pissbolted to the bathroom, and i could hear her throwing up in the bathroom. i wanted to yell out sorry, but i was choking in the vomit that was expelling involuntarily out of my mouth.
after i had rinsed my mouth, i went down to eat breakfast with steph's family. after breakfast, i decided to help steph's sister clean up the table. she told me that steph saved me from getting more intoxicated than i already was. yeah, all fine. she was surprised.
"she didn't tell you the whole story did she?"
she told me that steph had saved me from the game by pulling me out of the group and kissing me. my heart skipped both the atrial and ventricular beats. i was stunned. steph told me at the start of year 11 that she didn't want to ever get into a relationship. not get physically close with a guy. i felt guilty. i hate myself. not only because i let my drink get spiked, but also because i had to be saved by steph in such a manner, and that i fell for the trick. not the trick itself, but that my subconscious gave in because of it.
i walked up to her bedroom to tell her that i knew, but i heard her vomiting in the bathroom. i opened the door and asked her what was wrong. she said that she was about to brush her teeth, but quickly realised that she had brushed her teeth with it before after she vomited the first time. after she had composed herself, i told her how i now knew. she told me it was because i was in trouble, and that friends should help each other when the other is in need of help, however possible. i cried. i had never realised how much of a friend she was until today. in comparison to how much of a friend i was to her, she was relatively a total stranger. but i still felt that she was a good friend. i felt guilty. once again. she comforted me for a while, which intitally made it all the more worse, but i composed myself quickly. she then told me that i didn't give in because of the kiss, and that she got me out of the game just by pulling me away, but felt that considering my recent problems with alex and iris, that this would be the ultimate solution. i guess it worked.

saturday

i stayed at home for half of the day, and then went over to alex's place to apologise. i had ignored her for the past week or two because i thought she hated me. she told me that she blocked me for a few days, but got over it quickly. she thought i was mad at her. bah.i love and loathe these situations. we went to lunch after. we parted as friends from the restaurant. i was so pleased. after going back home for two minutes, i went out to the city. bought a gift bag, box, and a large packet of snakes. it was a friend of mine's b'day. i had co-bought a camera case for him with vincent. i put the camera case in the box, put the snakes around it, to act as an edible form of bubble wrap (ed: i love bubble wrap!) sorry to steal your idea jess. but it was just so cool. but this time, i put it in a small box. the one you gave me, i ended up eating all the snakes by myself. i got sick from that. back to the chronology. i then went down to the yarra to meet up with steph,jess and matt, before they went to dinner.
i joined the birthday boy's group on the concourse of flinders and jumped on the train to flinders. the gathering was modest, enough to hold a party, but not so many that it was uncontrollable. i think there were about 20 or so there.
it was fun. the early part of the night was spent opening up presents and breaking the ice. the bday boy got a pack of condoms. that was funny, seeing as he had a girlfriend. lol. but i spent the rest of the night playing poker, burning the midnight oil, and playing poker. ahh...much fun.

tan (pi/2)

my weekend was certainly very...intense. incapable of being described generically as "pretty good".
periods of life vibrate at high frequencies. people say that my life is filled with periods of high frequency. so much so that my life is "cool". but god equally distributes karma to his brethren, and equilibrates people's highs with lows.
i guess you could say that, according to the graph y=tan(x), saturday would lie (x-h) to x=pi/2, sunday would lie (x+h) to x=pi/2.

i feel blue.

right now...

right now i am loving...
woollen socks
my new school shirt
haircut (even though its wayyyy too high maintenance)
jimmy eat world
homework (or lack thereof!)
iBook
Neuromantics blog
Apparently Nothing photoblog
Jamie Oliver site (!!!)
straightening hairspray
Kent (Swedish Home Site)
Kent (iTunes site)
handkerchief
espresso coffee creme brulee
Naruto
tucked in bed sheets
mobile blogs
mori clips
watercolor inks
water pens
airport express (specifically AIRTUNES!!!)

i just came back from steph's place. she was crying on my shoulder for half an hour, and then another 15 minutes.i am obliged not to say anything about it. i dont know. violet, alex, iris, steph, jess. i just feel so...i mean, you would think that it would be a good thing. me being such a person. but it isnt. i feel down. i dont know. maybe its because i cant find my one. not that im particularly keen on it. i don't know. i'm going to go punch the bag now. this is all too confusing. good night.

if you don't know what i'm talking about, dont ask. if you do, feel free to, but don't expect to go to bed for another two hours.

lawrence as the seducer

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

interesting...

You Are 35% Normal (Occasionally Normal)

You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

ENFP

Your #1 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #2 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

Your #3 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #4 Match: ESFP

The Performer You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others. A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic. You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally. You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic. You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.

Your #5 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Nan desu ka!

Your Japanese Name Is...

Ryuichi Takashi

What's your Japanese Name?

"you're such a girl"

Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

eeek. take into account that i dont have bodily hair, use a file for my nails (both fingers and feet) and use matrix shampoo...not good at all.

LOVE is like swallowing hot chocolate
Before it has cooled off.
It takes you by surprise at first,
But keeps you warm for a long time.

lost

you never appreciate something until you've lost it.
instantaneously, the entire condition of my life can be summed up in this one phrase.
internet. god dammit. ok, i might have it now, but get back on the net in 15 minutes and il be gone. not because i've gotten off the computer, or blocked you or something. simply because my net connection will break. the net technician is coming friday.
friends. not in general, mainly concerning my friendships with iris and alex. i know. i am to blame for all of this. i still hate myself for doing such a thing. not that i have any regrets or anything. man...women. (lol...that was cool). they must be are the devil. it's like the evil version of the chain of being. the Devil is like a god, and women are the worldly representatives of the devil.
respect. i saw julie on friday night down Flinders Lane. I hadn't seen her in two years since we sort of distanced ourselves from each other because of "irreconcibible differences". Basically i was so selfish that i didn't want to be seen with a person who cried freely in public. But yeah. I saw her walking down Flinders Lane. She was walking towards me. She, like in the past, walked with a slight hunch. Indicative that she was in a rut. She walked with heavy feet, her hands clutched around our chest, protecting herself from the world. She was clearly depressed. I walked past her and looked at her. She also looked back. And I walked on. It took me an hour to sleep that night. Just regretting not talking to her. In assembly today, we had a guest speaker, overcome by the afflictions of cerebral palsy and epilepsy. he talked about how we as a greater community shouldn't discriminate against people with disabilities, and should show compassion. I don't know. The whole Julie thing just hit me. Selfish me didn't want to talk to a depressed person. Ok, its not a disability. I get that. But it's just. god. I can't think properly. Looks like another sleepless night for me. " I'm becoming a panda" (Steph).

I feel down. Don't talk to me people. Leave me alone. Just avert your gaze. Let Julie's shoes slip themselves onto my feet.

i'd rather not talk about what happened this past week. she knows the site now.
i feel so tired right now. i was doing my physics sac til 3 last night. woke up at 6 this morning to print it out. i slept over at vincent's place. and god shit fucking damn it was cold this morning. like 8 degrees ive heard. but my experience's from canada helped quite a lot.
"eee....it might be cold...but just remember...canada...aaiiii....this is nothing,...there we go....soo warm,...but why am i shivering when im warm...eee...cold"
well, three sacs are off my chest; physics, methods, and the english analysis. i've still got english persuasive writing sac tomorrow. meh. i need a break.

kent - parlor - translated

Stories for children that are like you
(About a tunnel at the end of the light)
I am your friend and we learn from eachother
(That's one of the reasons)
Give them a finger and warm my hand
(In a icecold IKEA -country)
You are my friends and we learn from eachother
(Just one of the reasons, one of the reasons, one of the reasons,
one of the reasons)

So spinn my world again
Tha radio's playing our song
Stockholm is deserted and the world holds it's breath
(Which color has the soul?)
Spinn my world again
For all we dreamt one time
All that you do becomes pearls on my forhead
(Which color has the soul, darling?)

Give us a chance, we are older now
(We see the light at the end of the tunnel)
Give us a chance, we can learn from eachother
(That's one of the reasons)
Stories for children that are grown-ups now
(The tv's on, like a background sound)
I am your friend and learn from eachother
(Only one of the reasons, one of the reasons)

So spinn my world again
Tha radio's playing our song
Stockholm is deserted and the world holds it's breath
(Which color has the soul?)
Spinn my world again
For all we dreamt one time
All that you do becomes pearls on my forhead
(Which color has the soul, darling?)


PS: everybody get kent

destiny's child concert.

lol...no, i didn't go, but my friend did, as did a person who's blog i read regularly...
this is the post:
Destiny's Child Concert (26/04/05)
Overall, awesome concert. Full of beautiful women, singing, dancing & outfits. Ahh, Beyonce is even prettier in real life. She's so beautiful. Everyone was really cheering, when Beyonce appeared. It felt like Beyonce was stealing the spotlight. But oh well, I came to see Beyonce, anyway.

There was Mario, too. I don't really like Mario, but all the girls were... Anyway, some crazed fan got choosen to go on stage. He was hugging and dancing with her. She's probably going to end up as one of his groupies, haha.

the coolest thing is, that the crazed fan who got chosen to go on stage was my friend! (was my friend, being that the that person was my friend. not was my friend, meaning a friend i had in the past...oich...im confabulating.)

im gonna be very music (ed: music? i think its meant to be much...) this week...damn methods, physics, english, etc. so i wont be able to post...or at least not very much...and life is still going downhill...i dont think my life can be described as sinusoidal anymore...

one thing i do want to mention though....because if i dont mention it now, ill forget, are parents. and their daughters. and their guy friends.

i'm at iris' place now. what's with the drilling? i had half an hour's worth of interrogation. family, friends, school (this subject taking up a substantial proportion of that half an hour) and life in general. i think i said a bit too much about my life. no, i didn't tell them about my incident with sam. i think they would have totally freaked out if i told them that. but yeah. childhood, doing calasthenics, depression, incidents with friends, etc. but yeah. i think, being asian parents, they liked the idea that i went to melbourne high. and that i dressed respectably. i guess it was a good idea to take that entrance exam.
i'll write more about asian parents in my future posts.

don't worry...

this blog is still in operation. it's just life is in a state where it is ever-changing. like the shape of a scrunched up piece of paper. i know. i should still post. whatever i write will be what i am feeling at that moment. that's all that matters. but. meh. i'll pull extracts from my journal when i next post. you'll see what i mean.