12:40am. never am i online at 12:40am without a seemingly unabating problem wreaking havoc on my frail and delirious mind, problems personifying themselves, performing role plays, with malice so great as to convince me to not only believe, but to see it as inevitable, that the worst will eventuate, driving me deep into a pessimistic state.

i , still, have yet to make conjecture over what she said. am I meant to believe what she told me, believing that she had told me the truth? or am i meant to believe that she really is reconsidering, and that what she said to me was purely an implementation of the feminine essentiality of "being nice" to those of the male gender?

why do women perform such a trick on the male sex? is it simply because they cringe at the sight or possibility that we are hurt, or is there a hidden agenda?
is it because they would like to put the blame on somebody else? as though they were forced into making the decision, not having the slightest contribution to the final outcome?
maybe they are planning for the future. being nice would make them seem a better quarry for future love interests, setting up their resume through the man, so that he made someday send it on to other men in his friends network. a stepping stone, if you will.
maybe its a little game they play, so as to send guys swooning for them. it's the lady-like version of hard-to-get, but with a more sinister outcome; the guy gets nothing.

i'll be back to complain more after the sunrises, after i have suffocated myself after screaming into my pillow for 6 consecutive hours.