lost

you never appreciate something until you've lost it.
instantaneously, the entire condition of my life can be summed up in this one phrase.
internet. god dammit. ok, i might have it now, but get back on the net in 15 minutes and il be gone. not because i've gotten off the computer, or blocked you or something. simply because my net connection will break. the net technician is coming friday.
friends. not in general, mainly concerning my friendships with iris and alex. i know. i am to blame for all of this. i still hate myself for doing such a thing. not that i have any regrets or anything. man...women. (lol...that was cool). they must be are the devil. it's like the evil version of the chain of being. the Devil is like a god, and women are the worldly representatives of the devil.
respect. i saw julie on friday night down Flinders Lane. I hadn't seen her in two years since we sort of distanced ourselves from each other because of "irreconcibible differences". Basically i was so selfish that i didn't want to be seen with a person who cried freely in public. But yeah. I saw her walking down Flinders Lane. She was walking towards me. She, like in the past, walked with a slight hunch. Indicative that she was in a rut. She walked with heavy feet, her hands clutched around our chest, protecting herself from the world. She was clearly depressed. I walked past her and looked at her. She also looked back. And I walked on. It took me an hour to sleep that night. Just regretting not talking to her. In assembly today, we had a guest speaker, overcome by the afflictions of cerebral palsy and epilepsy. he talked about how we as a greater community shouldn't discriminate against people with disabilities, and should show compassion. I don't know. The whole Julie thing just hit me. Selfish me didn't want to talk to a depressed person. Ok, its not a disability. I get that. But it's just. god. I can't think properly. Looks like another sleepless night for me. " I'm becoming a panda" (Steph).

I feel down. Don't talk to me people. Leave me alone. Just avert your gaze. Let Julie's shoes slip themselves onto my feet.